Remember When Page 15

As if on cue, the nurse knocked on my door and walked in with two small white Dixie cups—my meds. With promises to return later, my father left and I took my Librium willingly. It wasn't long before I felt the effects of the tiny capsules entering my bloodstream, calming me a little.

  The rest of my afternoon was…different. Lonely—which was ridiculous, because in reality I'd been alone for the last two years. Not wanting to stay cooped up in my room alone, I wandered the halls, ignoring everyone I passed if I could. The nurses seemed all too willing to hopefully strike up a conversation with me when they noticed how withdrawn I was. However, I wasn't feeling particularly chatty, so I mumbled apologies and eventually fled back to my room.

  Dinnertime came, and the food they brought me got ignored as I refused to get out of my chair. When the sky outside darkened, and my meds were administered, I crawled into bed.

  My chest ached as I lay on my side staring at the empty side of the bed that Cassie should have occupied. It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest, and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to move on.

  She's gone. How can I live in a world where she doesn't exist?

  Chapter 14 | Back Sliding

  “For fuck's sake, Cassidy!” I shouted at Cassie as she plopped herself down on the edge of our bed.

  I had just finished reading a bedtime story to Charlie—after Cassie outright refused to spend some time with her. Yes, I knew that Cassie was going through a rough time, but so was I. We were a team; when Cassie experienced something, I experienced it. This marriage was a partnership, and she was pulling away physically in the past few days just as much as she was emotionally. The worst part was that she didn't even seem to care that she was missing out with her daughter. Again.

  “I get that you're upset,” I told her, running my hands through my hair. “But you don't need to take this out on her! She has no idea what's going on, and she needs you! I need you to at least pretend to care.”

  Cassie's eyes narrowed at me, and to be honest, I was grateful because it was the first real emotion I had seen Cassie express in days. “Fuck you!” she shouted. Even though I was relieved to see that she cared enough to engage in this disagreement, my head snapped back at her words. “I know she needs me, I'm sorry if I can't be as fucking perfect as you! I never asked for any of this. You did.”

  I knew that another baby wasn't something she wanted. I had accepted it, even. But, the fact remained that she was pregnant. Yes, I was happy about it while Cassie was scared beyond words, but it didn't change anything. Hearing her remind me that I was the only one who wanted this upset me.

  “I don't even know what to say to that, Cassidy,” I told her, my eyes narrowing. I had reached my limit; I needed a break. “I can't even look at you right now. I'm going downstairs for a bit. Do whatever the fuck you want.” I reached into my pants pocket and fisted the bottle of sleeping pills so that Cassie could get some sleep. The bags under her eyes were still dark, and I worried that she wasn't sleeping enough, even with the pills. I was fairly certain that her mood swings were the direct cause of her sleepless nights.

  I slammed the bottle of sleeping pills onto the nightstand and stormed out of the bedroom. It used to be that Cassie and I never fought; that if something was bothering either of us, we'd sit and talk about it until we resolved the issue.

  But now?

  The stress of the pregnancy, then the miscarriage—it was proving to be too much on our relationship. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was just the two of us, but we had Charlie to worry about, and Cassie was pushing her away.

  I found myself pacing in the living room, my heart pounding furiously against my ribs, and my blood boiling in my veins. I tried taking deep breaths in an effort to cool my rage before I gave into the urge to destroy…something. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration, gripping it tightly and clenching my teeth as I tilted my head back and stared up at ceiling. Directly above where I stood was our bedroom. I couldn't hear anything, so I could only assume Cassie had taken her meds and went to bed.

  I dropped my eyes from the stippling on the ceiling, and when my eyes fell to my piano that had been sitting abandoned for the last couple months, I exhaled a deep breath and released the tight grip I had on my hair. I sat on the bench, my hands on my knees as I stared at the glossy black fallboard hesitantly.

  The last time I had played was the night that Cassie told me she didn't want any more children. So much had happened since then.

  Almost as though I were afraid it would bite me, my hands trembled as I lifted them to the sleek, black wood. Closing my eyes and holding my breath, I raised the fallboard and placed my fingers on the keys. The sounds that came from the piano as I played were dark and angry as every pent-up emotion from past few weeks was released through my music.

  As the music poured from my soul, I remembered everything that had happened these last couple weeks. Finding out Cassie was pregnant while we were at the beach—I was so happy and she just…wasn't. Then, the night of her birthday, when she miscarried. I should have picked up on it that night. Something wasn't right with her even then; she was way too calm about the whole situation.

  But, that's just Cassie. She's always been calm in the face of a crisis.

  Suddenly the music filling the room changed into a familiar melody as my memories shifted from the darkness of the last few weeks to the lighter times we'd shared. The song I had composed for Cassie warmed me through, and I found myself smiling. A part of me hoped that maybe she was still awake and could hear the love behind each note—that she'd know we'd get through this…together.

  My optimism was quickly torn from my body only to be replaced with mind-numbing fear as Cassie cried out for me. “Jack!” There was something in Cassie's shrill scream that chilled me to my very core, and I flew off the piano bench, sending it clattering to the floor behind me as I rushed for the stairs. The sound of glass shattering forced me to move up the stairs even faster.

  When I entered the bedroom, the first place I looked was our empty bed…then my eyes shifted to the nightstand—where Cassie's sleeping pills used to be.

  “No no no no no no no no no no,” I said frantically, shaking my head with denial as I turned toward the bathroom door. It was open just a sliver, and as I moved forward, time seemed to slow. Once I made it to the door, I pushed it open…

  The scene that lay before me left my blood cold.

  I shot upright in a flash, my entire body slick with a light sheen of sweat, and my body trembling violently in light of what I had just dreamt…or remembered.

  “Hey, you,” a soft, familiar voice said. My head snapped back toward the window. There, perched on the narrow sill, was Cassie. I was instantly overcome with relief as my body softened. Kicking my thin blankets to the foot of the bed, I got out as quickly as I possibly could and rushed toward her, pulling her into my arms.

  “You're back,” I whispered into her soft hair as I continued to hold her close.

  Cassie stretched her arms around my neck and wove her fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck. “Shhh,” she whispered. “It's going to be okay.”

  “It was…we…and then you were…” I couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence as I held her, breathing her in.

  Her fingers continued to thread through my hair. “I know, baby. I know.”

  “I'm so sorry,” I whispered. “For everything.”

  Cassie worked herself free and cradled my face in her hands. I couldn't look her in the eye, though. I was ashamed of what I had done; of who I had become. “Look at me,” she coaxed. As I raised my gaze to hers, she smiled and rubbed her thumbs over my cheekbones. “Baby, you're exhausted. You need to sleep.”

  I shook my head against her hold on me. “I don't want to,” I told her. “Cassie, the things I saw… If I go to sleep, I'm afraid you won't be here when I wake up.”

  “That's the way it's supposed to be.”

  “I can't accept that.” I moved my hands to her hips and grippe
d her firmly, confirming her existence.

  Cassie's eyebrows knit together, but the smile never faded from her face. “You will. It's going to get easier.” Her words were meant to comfort me, but I failed to feel that way.

  Instead, all I heard was that the rest of my life would be spent without her.

  I wasn't ready then… And I'm not ready now.

  Chapter 15 | Breakthrough

  The next few days were a blur. My only constant was Cassie—and even she wasn't around often. While it was rare that she left my side, there were times that she was nowhere to be seen. It worried me on a number of levels because I was afraid she wouldn't return. Sometimes she even accompanied me to my sessions—not that I acknowledged her. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I had gone completely off the deep end, but I didn't need to reaffirm this to Dr. Richards or my parents. That wasn't to say that I thought I was fooling them in any way, whatsoever—because I wasn't.

  My sessions were…well, they probably would have been productive if I were to cooperate and allow the process to work. It had been five days since my arrival, and I still had trouble accepting the way things were.

  Dr. Richards wanted to see me daily in an effort to get to the root of my issues. It didn't surprise me that he knew more than I had told him; he and my father worked in the same hospital and happened to be friends. Over the first few visits, I skirted the topic of Cassie, but by my fourth session—he wouldn't allow for it.

  “Jack, tell me about Cassie,” he pushed calmly. When my eyes snapped up to his, I felt fear. Not because I was afraid of him, but because I was afraid of finally vocalizing the truth.

  “Sh…she's my wife,” I stammered quietly. I averted my gaze and looked around the room, trying to find anything to focus on. “She's Charlie's mother.”

  “And where is she now?”

  My eyes narrowed and my nostrils flared as I felt rage bubble beneath the surface of my skin. “She's gone,” I answered through gritted teeth, clenching my fists tightly in my lap. The sting of my nails biting into the palms of my hands was the only thing keeping me lucid enough that I didn't rush across the room and deck him.

  Dr. Richards removed his glasses and smiled at me. “I'm sorry if the question upsets you, Jack, but I need for you to talk to me. How can we work through this if you won't open up?” I nodded in understanding and waited for him to continue. “Now, your father told me a few things that concern me on a number of levels.”

  A dark chuckle escaped my body as I rolled my eyes. “I figured as much.”

  “Do you care to tell me what you think we've talked about?”

  My eyes moved back to the doctor's, and I shrugged flippantly. “Cassie?”

  “Can you be a little more specific?”

  My lips formed a firm line and my eyebrows lifted slightly. “If I had to hazard a guess, I'm going to go with the fact that he and my mother—along with Cassie's parents—walked in on the two of us arguing.”

  Dr. Richards dipped his head slightly, but it wasn't a nod…it was more like a gesture that said he knew all this and just needed me to continue for my own sake. “Hmm… Now, didn't you just say that she was ‘gone’?”

  “I did.” My lips curled back as I spoke, and I sighed in aggravation, not wanting to talk about this anymore. My chest was beginning to feel tight as an anxiety attack threatened. “Look, I don't want to talk about this right now.”

  Dr. Richards leaned forward and placed his notepad and pen on the table before resting his arms on his knees and clasping his hands before him. “That's fine, Jack.” He watched me carefully for a moment, and there was something in his eyes that told me he wasn't quite finished with me yet. I was proven right less than five seconds later. “So, you've been here almost a week, Jack,” he stated. I nodded once in response, the action slow and unsure. “Tell me, are you still seeing her?”

  I was certain the guilt was written all over my face as he waited for me to answer, so I dropped my eyes from his and back to my lap where my hands lay still. Cassie's hand slipped into my view, and she offered me a gentle squeeze. With her hand on mine, I felt whole again. My world wasn't so bad with her still in it.

  “No,” I lied.

  Cassie's hand disappeared from mine, and I shivered at its loss. “Jack,” she sighed sadly. “You need to be honest. They're going to know, and they won't let you out of here until you're better. Think about Charlie. She needs you.”

  It wasn't until I made the mistake of allowing my eyes to drift in Cassie's direction that Dr. Richards caught on. “Jack,” he scolded. “Is she here now?”

  I wanted to lie. Nothing good was going to come from knowing the truth. However, I couldn't. I knew Cassie was right. I turned my head completely away from her and nodded at Dr. Richards's question.

  “Is she saying anything?”

  Cassie moved until she was standing right in front of me. Our eyes locked, and she silently encouraged me to open up.

  “She's telling me that I have to be honest in order to get better,” I said in a shaky voice. Cassie's mouth curled up into a smile as I took this one small step. I didn't want to go down this path. This path was dark and winding. Tree roots were upraised, and I knew I would catch my foot on one…and there would be no one there to catch me when I fell, because the only person I trusted was gone. Anxiety clawed at me like gnarled tree branches, and I had to look away from her.

  Dr. Richards hummed in agreement. “She sounds like a very bright woman.”

  A smile broke across my lips, and a single tear fell from my eye. “She was.” The minute the words left my mouth, my head snapped up in shock. It was the first time I had spoken about her in the past tense—the first time I had admitted to myself that she was…that she was…gone.

  Cassie stared back down at me, but she wasn't angry at me like she should have been for speaking of her in that way. I expected her to slap me; to yell at me, maybe? Anything but what she did. Cassie dropped to her knees before me, clutching my hands in hers, and her smile widened.

  The doctor cleared his throat. “So, why is it you feel it's so important to lie?”

  With a deep breath, I turned to face my doctor. “Do you want my professional opinion?” I asked, to which Dr. Richards nodded once. “I can't let her go.”

  “Why not?” he pressed.

  “Because I feel guilty.” There, I said it. And it still didn't make me feel any better. Dr. Richards waited for me to continue. “I should have seen the signs. I shouldn't have…” I choked on my own words as bits and pieces of my most recent recurring nightmare—or rather, a repressed memory—came rushing back. “I shouldn't have yelled at her and stormed out like I did. She was upset, and I just walked away.”

  Dr. Richards didn't say anything else for a moment after that. He remained motionless and watched me carefully. I wasn't focused on him, though. No, I was looking at Cassie, still kneeling before me. My eyes bore into hers as I silently begged for her forgiveness.

  “There,” she whispered angelically. “Was that so hard?”

  I dropped my head until our foreheads rested against each other, and I closed my eyes. “Hardest thing I've ever had to do,” I replied softly.

  Not seeing a reason to go any further today, given the “breakthrough” Dr. Richards insisted I made, he ended our session early and personally walked me to my room. Once inside, I sat in the chair by the window and didn't move.

  Cassie perched herself on the sill and looked down at me with a wide smile gracing her gorgeous face. Dressed all in white, and the way the sun was beaming into the room behind her, she looked like an angel, the golden halo of sunlight above her head lighting up every one of her stunning features.

  “I'm proud of you,” she told me. “Everything you accomplished in your session today? It was wonderful.”

  “I'm glad you thought so.”

  Her smile vanished, and she tilted her head to one side as confusion flashed in her eyes. “You don't?”

  I took a deep breath
and closed my eyes. With every day that passed, there were more and more people who told me that she wasn't really real, and it was starting to take its toll. I knew she wasn't really there, yet I didn't want her to leave me again. Without her, I had nothing to live for. My entire reason for existing was gone.

  Because of me.

  “Jack?” a small voice called into the room from behind me. I turned around and saw my mother and father standing in the open doorway. It wasn't until I offered them a half-smile that my mother's expression relaxed and she rushed forward.

  I stood from my chair and was nearly knocked over by the force of her embrace. “Hey, Mom,” I whispered into the top of her head as I wrapped my arms around her in return. I acknowledged my father over my mother, and he nodded in response. “Where's Charlie?” I asked, really hoping that after almost a week away from her, that they'd have at least brought her with them to visit me.

  “With Jennifer and Alex, dear. We didn't think she was ready just yet,” she said, working free of our embrace.

  “Oh, okay.” My spirits fell impossibly lower at hearing that they didn't feel I was well enough to see my own daughter. “So, uh…how've you both been since, um…?” I honestly had no idea when the last time I had seen them was. My days were all blending together. I knew how long I had been here, but as to what happened on what day? Not a clue.

  “We've been well, son,” my dad said as he rested his hand on my shoulder. “And you? How are your sessions going?”

  What he really meant to say was, “Are you still delusional? Still seeing the apparition of your wife?”

  “You know that's not true,” Cassie said from her perch on the sill, knowing what I was thinking without me having said it.

  I tried ignoring her—couldn't be having another episode in front of them, after all. “It went well today. Dr. Richards seems to think I've made progress.”

  “You have,” Cassie chimed in again. I had to clench my eyes shut and turn my head so I could no longer see her in my periphery. Of course, my parents noticed this and became concerned.